Orgasms are normally simple for men, but for women they can be as allusive as a perfect day. They don’t necessarily come all the time and they are dependent on many factors. Yet when women don’t have an orgasm we still feel pressured to act like we did, to make the noises and ride through a fake experience. This concept has been disturbing and confusing ever since it was introduced to me, and even through research and conversations with friends I have never been able to figure out why this is a common thing women do, or why many feel ashamed if they are unable to actually reach a climax.
The reason this concept confuses me is because I was lucky enough to have a conversation with my mother about this topic when I was in high school. She explained to me that it is ok if a woman doesn’t orgasm during sex, its ok because it is natural! She even went on to mention that there were things women could try to make it easier for themselves; such as being on top and being stimulated in other ways. This was indeed an awkward conversation and thankfully a vague conversation, though I did learn one very important thing; which is that I shouldn’t be ashamed if I don’t climax. Which I am grateful for because for the longest time I was not able to orgasm, and most times I wasn’t even close to it. I tried all the tricks and tips given to me by friends, and lets be honest I search the internet for help, but it just didn’t happen. Through all of this I never faked it though, because I knew that it was natural to not get there all the time, even if my partners did not. I ended up dealing with many different reactions from my male partners, some who were upset by this, some who took it as a challenge to improv and some who just did not care because they got their orgasm.
Eventually I figured out what it took to get me to orgasm, and it was trust. It took me being in a situation I felt 100% control over, with a guy who really took his time before we had sex. I am not referring to fore play with that statement, I am saying he took his time with every step and gave me control over when it would happen. He never tried to kiss me, but he mentioned he wanted to. He mentioned it and did not lean in or pull me close, he waited. He waited until I said he was welcome to kiss me before he even started to move forward. He asked before putting his arm around me, and with that trust that I had full control over what was happening I was able to relax. I was able to trust and I was able to Climax. This slow pace worked for me because I am a survivor of sexual assault and needed the feeling of control over all the steps we took and more importantly my body.
For some it takes a Kink to get them to cum, for some a position, some just some extra stimulation and all of those need are acceptable and ok. And if you have a night were it just isn’t going to happen, well thats ok too. We as women need to realize that our bodies our different then men, that when we orgasm it is a different experience then when men orgasm. We should not be ashamed by that fact, and we need to take the time to verbalize if something needs to be changed and if something isn’t working. Instead of faking it, and thus creating a full sense of fulfilment that will most likely lead to a repetition of those same “moves”. Plus, no one should be ashamed by something thats natural, and talking about how natural it is to not climax is important to acceptance. Many of my friends did not know that it is statistically uncommon for a women to climax from straight penetration or that many women have stated that they can only climax sometimes from penetration. If we talk about these facts more than women will be less ashamed and uncomfortable when they are unable to reach completion and maybe that will help them find a solution and be able to climax.
Here is just one link that helps show how common it is for women not to orgasm just from penetration, and there are many more! https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic
Don’t be ashamed if you haven’t been able to climax, just talk to your partner and try to switch things up to what makes you comfortable enough to get there!