Hiding

You can hide from an ex, a parent, a teacher, but your brain not so much. You can’t move rooms to avoid an awkward conversation with yourself. So what do you do? Some people drink, or smoke, or sleep, or workout, or anything distracting honestly. We all hide because we don’t want to face the reality of what our brain says. We don’t want to see our insecurities, our lost dreams, our failures. Unfortunately, our brain holds the key to all of it.

Recently I have had to hide from my thoughts. Which is shocking as I never thought I would have to hide from certain aspects of my life. I try to be upfront about my thoughts and feeling, at least with myself. I am also somewhat aggressive in telling others about my feelings, especially when it’s them that’s causing them. Though I now find myself puzzled because I know there is something bothering me, I know exactly what it is but I don’t want to admit it out loud, let alone to the one person who should hear it.

I don’t want to admit I am insecure, especially about my relationship. I don’t want to have to tell anyone in my life that I am confused about my future with C*. See, I am completely utterly in love, but I never thought I would be. I never thought I would be comfortable enough with someone to say “I love you”. So now that I have I’m so scared. Scared because he makes me happy and has me laughing and I don’t want to lose that. Yet he is moving. Soon. I knew about it before we started anything serious, or at least the possibility of it.  So I can’t be surprised that he is moving, but I am scared because of it.

Not everyone wants a long distance relationship, a few years ago I couldn’t have handled one myself, and I don’t know if he wants to handle one. So right now I have a blank empty view of what will happen once July comes, and he moves. I know I need to talk to him about it, but I am petrified. What if he doesn’t want to do long distance, then I have a known countdown. Though what if he does want to give it a try, then I have to think about what it means to make plans with someone else in mind.

My Brain has these thoughts on loop, all the time. Except when I am with him, and I am laughing and smiling and loving him. Though those moments seem great while they are happening they make me scared once I am away from him. As I should be figuring out what is going on, I am falling deeper. I have fallen so far that I can’t seem to think rationally. How is it that I might have to break my own heart and bring up the one thing that might just shatter it. Though I could just stay silently in pain as my brain goes through every possibility until C* brings it up himself.

I know I technically have 3 months to worry about this but it gets worse the more I fall for him, the more comfortable I get. The more I can imagine trying something with him even when he lives elsewhere. So I opt for hiding, by cleaning, and being productive, and anything that can make my brain shut up, at least for a second. Sometimes it is easier to hide, to shy away from what hurts us, until we have the courage and strength to truly handle it. So I hope that as these weeks go by I will get that courage and be able to deal with what is coming, without being scared for my heart.

Rayner

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