I am a person who is scared of the future. I am scared of the unknown, I am scared of the what ifs, and most importantly I am scared of having regrets. Thankfully I have yet to have any regrets, sure there are things I wish didn’t happen but they were all out of my control. So I can’t really regret something I couldn’t change and had no real part in making happen. Though as I get older my choices have more power, they can do real damage to my life, and they can do real damage in general. The simple choice of how much I work, how much I sleep and etc. can have a huge effect on my life, and that thought can be petrifying some days. Sometimes I just wish I could be like my cat Salem and only have to worry about getting attention and finding the most inconvenient places to sleep.
The worst part of this is that I have found myself in a situation that needs me to make choices and a lot of them. This issue of indecisiveness led me to need to scream in the middle of nowhere for a fair amount of time one night! Thankfully Serena was cool with a road trip and listening to me rant in a crazed what do I do fashion. I actually found myself on the edge of a farmers field about 30-45 minutes outside of the city screaming out my frustrations. Everything about school, life, my fears, my issues, everything in general, came out. It was interesting and all I got from it was I am unhappy and need change! I am unhappy with my job, I am unhappy with my education, and I am unhappy because I have no idea what I want at all! The only things I am happy about is my love life and my friends.
I have spent three years of my life at a small university 5 hours away from the city I was born in and now I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in the program I am in, I don’t want the internship I have, I don’t want to live where I am living, and I am freaked out. I am freaked that I will look back on the last three years and possibly regret certain things. I am freaked that I will make choices that will completely change my life and not in a good way. I am also scared because now I am in a relationship and I don’t know if I should be calculating him in any of this. Is it too soon to do that, am I ready to do that… what am I suppose to do if I decide to do that?
Everyone I have expressed this discomfort to has told me that it is a general 20 something issue, where you just don’t know what you’re doing or why. It’s something that everyone has to work out at their own pace and they will eventually figure out who they are. I think they say that to be comforting, to tell you that you are not alone, someone else has gone through the same questioning and the same fear you have. Though is this a 20-year-olds problem? Is it really that normal for people my age to freak out about their future or is it just normal? Seriously, does it ever stop?
Should I really be fearing something that I don’t know? I can’t tell what the future will hold but I am so petrified that it will be bad. It’s almost ridiculous when I think about it; to be scared of something that I can’t know, something that isn’t even a problem yet, really it’s not even a real possibility of a problem yet. I am just driving myself crazy thinking that I might one day regret what I chose and I am leaving myself in a state of frustrating limbo until I pick something.
My fear has started to change my life negatively, where I am thinking too much about the future, about what may be, and what could happen. I guess I am going to need to work on not thinking too much about the what ifs. If I am going to make it through this rough patch I am going to need to work through my fear or having regrets or I might actually find myself with a lot of them.